#calemar x armin

[sweetpolyamoris]

Promises

Part Four to Apologies (Part One), Revelations (Part Two), Complications (Part Three), and Confessions (Part Six).

~

The Sweet Amoris High cafeteria was swarming with people. There were days that Calemar felt like she and her friends were the only students at the school (maybe most people just attended their classes instead of wandering the halls), but today was a reminder that there was more to the place than just Calemar’s narrow perception of it.

As soon as she entered the cafeteria, she was assaulted with sound. Countless voices blended together into an unintelligible roar. Chairs scraped against the floor as people attempted to make room for their friends at overcrowded tables. A discordant melody drifted across the room from a horribly out-of-tune guitar. With the line to get food almost reaching the doors, this was very close to what Calemar imagined hell was like.

No, that wasn’t quite true. Hell was doing something stupid, like kissing your best friend and jeopardizing the only good thing in your life, and then spending the entire weekend failing to come up with a way to repair the damage you’d done. Hell was ignoring all the texts he sent you out of pure cowardice, lying awake at night torturing yourself with the question: Do I want him because I really like him, or because he’s the closest I can get to what I really want? Hell was coming to school and knowing there would be no way to avoid him, and hating yourself for wanting to avoid him in the first place.

But the cafeteria came pretty close.

“You look like you’re going to be sick.”

Calemar looked over at Alexy, who’d taken her by the arm after history class and insisted they have lunch together. Calemar had had no desire for food then, and her complete lack of appetite only intensified as she looked around the cafeteria.

“It’s loud,” she said. Her heart dropped down into her stomach as her gaze swept over Castiel and Lysander at a table near the back of the room. They never ate lunch in the cafeteria. Surely this was some sick joke that God had orchestrated, a way to taunt her for her heart’s fickle nature.

“Do you have a headache?” Alexy asked, looking her over with concern.

“Something like that,” she replied. “Honestly, I don’t feel much like eating.”

He frowned. “You don’t feel like much of anything today. This morning I told you I got the new Orbital album and your exact response was, ‘Mm-hmm.’”

She didn’t remember Alexy mentioning anything about new music this morning, but that was probably because she’d been glued to her cellphone, waiting for a new text from Armin and reading through the ones from Sunday when it never came.

6:30 pm: Hey. You said we would talk about things later. Is it later yet?

8:12 pm: Whatever happened, we can figure it out. Just talk to me. Please.

9:25 pm: This is my fault. I was stupid and inconsiderate, and you deserve better. If you want to pretend it never happened, then that’s what we’ll do. I don’t want to lose your friendship.

11:48 pm: Calemar. I’m so sorry.

2:37 am: I’m sorry. I’ll stop texting you.

The texts were burned into her mind due to the sheer amount of times she’d read them. In spite of herself, she dug into her pocket and pulled out her cellphone. A push of the home button showed no new messages. She couldn’t decide if she was disappointed or relieved.

“Calemar. What’s wrong?”

She glanced up at Alexy, and couldn’t stand the worried look on his face. “Nothing.”

“Look,” he said, the worry shifting into what almost looked like irritation. “You don’t have to tell me, but at least don’t lie to me. I got enough of that from Armin this weekend.”

Calemar’s chest tightened. “What do you mean?”

“He was acting the same way you’re acting today, except about ten times worse. He barely spoke all weekend, and the face he got when he thought my parents and I weren’t looking… Total zombie. I kept asking him what was wrong, but he ignored me and played his Final Fantasy game all night. Mind you, this is the game he said he was getting tired of on Friday.”

If she’d looked sick before, it was nothing compared to how she looked now.

“Something happened with you two, didn’t it?”

Shit. She wanted more than anything to deny it, but she knew lying to Alexy would only make her feel worse. She wasn’t sure she could handle any worse.

Alexy put a hand on her shoulder. “It can’t have been so terrible that you can’t talk to me about it. Just let me listen. Maybe I can help!”

Calemar shook her head. “You can’t.”

Alexy’s eyes widened as he took a step back, as though she’d pushed him away with her arms instead of her words. The response pained her. “Not if you don’t even let me try.”

What could she say? I kissed your brother and I think I might like him, but I know I love Castiel, and those feelings aren’t going away, but I can’t stop thinking about Armin, and I don’t know if I want to kiss him or if I just want to kiss someone so that I can forget the things that are making me miserable, and I know this isn’t fair to Armin but I felt something and I don’t know what to do about it.

“I’m sorry,” she said instead. “I know this is shitty, but I am literally this close to losing my mind, and I’m going to need at least a day to wallow in this before I’m ready to talk to anyone about it. Even my best friend.”

For a moment, Alexy only stared at her. “Okay,” he said, his voice tinged with frustration. “But whatever’s happening, it’s not going to get better until you face it. Both of you.”

Calemar nodded. “I… I need some air. I’ll see you in Art?”

To her surprise, he pulled her into a tight embrace. She buried her face into his shoulder and tried to absorb the comfort he brought her. But as soon as he let go, the warmth vanished and she was right back where she’d started.

“See you in Art.” Alexy turned and entered the cafeteria line.

~

Calemar headed for the courtyard. She had a specific destination in mind: her favorite tree, the tall one behind the benches, with leaves that let the perfect amount of light break through and warm the grass underneath it. It was her thinking tree, the one place where she might actually be able to sit and sort through the mess she’d made of everything. But when she exited the main building and looked past the benches, someone had already taken her spot.

Armin was sitting up against the trunk, his backpack tossed aside and spilling out chewed pens and unfinished assignments. His gaze was fixed on his lap, where he was mashing the buttons on his DS in a rather furious manner.

Calemar’s first instinct was to run over and throw herself down beside him. She wanted to complain about the awful day she’d been having, poke him until he finally put his game down and paid attention to her. She wanted him to offer her ridiculous advice, wanted to laugh with him until her sides hurt, wanted it all so badly that it took everything in her not to break down right there in the courtyard.

She had ruined everything. Armin had said it was his fault, but nothing was further from the truth. If she could have, she would’ve taken it all back. The kiss, the conversation, the irrational desire that she’d repressed for months. She would go back to the time where the feelings they had for each other remained unsaid, where she couldn’t hurt him any more than she already was. Because here, where they were now, all she could do was hurt him more.

The question was, what was worse? Avoiding him until his absence ate her from the inside out, or talking to him and potentially destroying any chance at friendship they had left?

Whatever choice she might have made got taken away from her as Armin’s eyes drifted up from his video game and landed on her. She froze. It was like she was in kindergarten again, when she’d believed a t-rex couldn’t see you if you stopped moving. But Armin could see her. There was tension in his jaw, and his face was even paler than usual.

She had to say something. Anything to make him stop looking at her like that. “Hey.”

He swallowed. “Hey.”

Her hands went up to her backpack straps, and she gripped them for some sense of support. “You’re outside.”

“I am,” he said, glancing around the courtyard. “I guess I felt like I needed to be out here.”

Considering he hated being outside, Calemar could only imagine why he’d decided to subject himself to a lunch without air conditioning and sufficient shade. Now that she was looking, though, she saw that he didn’t have any food with him at all.

“You don’t think you should be in the cafeteria?” she said, taking a hesitant step toward him. “Everyone and their mother is in there today.”

He shrugged. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

A loud and sad tune sounded from Armin’s DS. He glanced down at it, cursed under his breath, and tossed the game into the grass beside him. “I have no idea when I last saved,” he mumbled. “What did I do to deserve this?”

“Nothing,” Calemar said, her voice faltering at the end of the word.

Armin’s gaze shot back up to her. The look in his eyes brought her back almost a month, to that night she had shown up at his house and told him she’d been dumped. He’d been taken over by a seriousness she hadn’t known he was capable of, and it was there now, in the stiffness of his shoulders and the hard line of his mouth.

“Calemar.”

“I’m not ready,” she said.

He grimaced. “Will you ever be ready?”

She took in a slow breath and shook her head. “I guess not.”

He nodded, taking his beanie off his head and wringing it in his hands. “I’m not going to make you talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“But we have to, don’t we?” She made herself take another step toward him. “We have to, or we’ll never come back from it.”

His gaze hardened. “I would never let that happen.”

Calemar’s heart jumped in her chest, and her feet carried her the rest of the way to him. She dropped down at his side, not close enough to touch him, but close enough that she could almost pretend that things were normal. That she wasn’t afraid of what his touch would make her feel.

A little gasp escaped his mouth at her sudden nearness, and she tried to ignore how much that exhilarated her. “I don’t know how to do this,” she said. “How to start… What to say…”

He turned his whole body toward her. “Then let me start. I’ve wanted to talk to you for days, and if this is the last chance I get to say what I need to say, then I want to take it.”

“Armin, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Please, Calemar. I promise, we can do whatever you think is best after. I just… I need to be honest with you. Just this once.”

Honesty had never terrified her as much as it did in that moment. She brought her knees up to her chest so she could hug her legs, and then set her gaze firmly on the school building. Maybe it would help not to look at him. “Okay.”

There were a few seconds of silence, seconds of absolute torture, and then he spoke.

“I like you. I’ve liked you since the moment I met you. At first, it wasn’t anything serious, just coming to a new school and meeting a pretty girl. But then I started hanging out with you, and the more I got to know you, the stronger I felt about you.

“When you started dating Castiel, it drove me crazy. And it wasn’t just because I was jealous. It was because we made so much sense. My mind couldn’t wrap itself around not being with you, because there were so many moments where it felt like I was. All the late night game sessions, the inside jokes that no one else would ever find funny, the crazy situations we got into because we both lack the ability to mind our own business. We fit together.”

Calemar couldn’t look away from him any longer. She brought her gaze to his, and squeezed her legs tighter once she saw the earnestness in his eyes.

“And the things that we don’t have in common only make me like you more. You’re an artist; your photos, your music, I can never keep up with it, but I love everything you make. And you’re so damn righteous. If you even hear about something wrong happening, you can’t ever look the other way. You’ll do anything to make it right, even if it has nothing to do with you. You don’t understand how much I admire that.”

“But you’re like that too,” she blurted out. “What happened with Iris…”

Armin sighed. “Yeah, I helped. But it wasn’t just for her. I mean, obviously I cared about what was happening to her, but I’d be lying if I said the fun of sneaking around and hacking accounts had nothing to do with it. Add the fact that I got to be alone with you, and it’s pretty clear that my motives were far from noble.

“But that’s the thing,” he said, reaching out and brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “You make me want to change. You make me want to be better, Calemar. Since I met you, I have more friends, I’m starting to almost care about school. Jesus, I’m even sitting outside on my lunch break!”

Calemar couldn’t help but laugh at that. Armin’s face lit up, and she’d been so afraid she’d never see that expression again that the sight of it now brought tears to her eyes.

“Being around you makes me feel like I can do anything. Like I can be the person I’m supposed to be. I know that sounds unbelievably corny–”

“It doesn’t,” she said.

Armin bit down on his lip. The brightness slowly left his eyes, leaving Calemar feeling uneasy. “I… I said I like you, but it’s more than that. You are so much more than just a friend to me. But if that’s all you want… a friend… I can be that. I can’t promise my feelings for you will go away, because I honestly don’t think they will. But I can hide them again, if that’s what you want.”

A weight settled on her shoulders, one so heavy she felt like she would collapse under it. She couldn’t claim to know what she wanted, but she knew in her heart that she didn’t want what Armin was suggesting. The very thought of making him hide a part of himself from her made her feel sick. She couldn’t ask him to do that. She didn’t want him to do that.

“You are so important to me,” she said. “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be yourself around me. You’re my best friend, and I–”

Armin’s hand found hers, sending a chill through her whole body. “Tell me you don’t feel the way that I do. There’s this small part of me that’s still hoping I might have a chance, but I think if you just tell me that I don’t, I might be able to stop making this worse.”

“You’re not making this worse,” she said, squeezing his hand in exasperation. “Just harder. Impossibly harder.”

“It’s not hard, Calemar. It’s just words. ‘I don’t feel that way about you.’ It’ll be like ripping off a band-aid.”

“Except it’d be pointless.”

Armin’s brow furrowed. “Why?”

She let out a long breath. She had no idea what she was about to do, but she couldn’t stop it. Lying to herself for so long had left her exhausted, sapped her of all the strength it took to keep her feelings locked away. “Because I wouldn’t mean it.”

Armin’s grip on her hand tightened. He leaned closer, making her entire body tense. “Tell me.”

“Tell you what?” she said breathlessly.

“What you feel for me.”

She swallowed hard. “I… I’m still trying to make sense of it. All I know is that all weekend, I kept imagining my life without you in it, and the very thought of it terrified me. So I tried to make myself believe that it was just because you were my closest friend. Everything would be easier then; I could just tell you I wanted to stay friends, and if I were lucky you’d be okay with that. But as much as I tried to convince myself, it didn’t work because I… I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you.”

Armin let her hand go. At first, Calemar worried that she’d said something wrong, but then he took her face in his hands. “You’re worried about hurting me, but I don’t care. I know you still have feelings for Castiel, and I know they might be stronger than the ones you have for me.”

“Don’t say that,” she said, trying to keep her gaze on his, but it proved difficult with how close his mouth was to hers.

“At the very least, they make more sense. But it doesn’t matter. If you feel even an ounce of what I feel for you, then I’m going to fight for that.”

“Armin, I… I can’t promise you anything. I want to, but–”

“I don’t want promises. I want you, however I can have you. Maybe that’s stupid, but I am past the point of caring anymore.”

She brought her hands up so that they rested against his chest. How had she not noticed how badly they were shaking? “I don’t deserve you,” she said, and it was probably the truest statement she had made all afternoon.

“Yeah, well, unfortunately for you, you’re stuck with me anyway.” He smiled then, an almost smirk that filled her entire body with warmth.

“So what is this?” she asked. “Us?”

“We don’t have to decide yet,” he said, brushing her cheek with his thumb. “And once we’re ready to decide, it can be whatever you want it to be.” A mischievous look flashed in his eyes. “Although I am going to request that it involves making out.”

Calemar shoved him away. “Armin!”

For a moment he looked nervous, but when he saw the slow grin that was spreading on her face, he reached out for her again. “You said I could be honest with you!”

“Yes, to an extent.”

“Listen, I could have said a lot worse.” He took her by the waist and pulled her back to him. “I’m really reigning myself in right now.”

“You sure about that?” She finally allowed herself to look at his mouth. It was a lot prettier than she’d ever permitted herself to think, a perfect cupid’s bow.

“I’m absolutely sure,” he said, his voice falling to a whisper. “Are you?”

He wasn’t calling into question her confidence in his self-restraint; Calemar knew that. He was asking her if she was sure about what they were doing. Maybe she wasn’t certain about this tenuous relationship they were forming. But she was sure about him. Surer than she’d ever been about anyone else.

“Yes,” she said.

The tension left his shoulders, and a smile played along his lips. “Good,” he said, closing the distance between them and bringing his mouth to hers.

[sweetpolyamoris]

Complications

Part Three to Apologies (Part One), Revelations (Part Two), Promises (Part Four) and Confessions (Part Five).

~

It had been exactly twenty-eight days since Calemar and Castiel had broken up, and Armin’s feelings were still as muddled and conflicted as they’d been when it happened.

Calemar still came over at least four times a week. At first, it had simply been a distraction, a way to make sure she wasn’t left alone with her thoughts. She had never said as much, but she hadn’t needed to. It was obvious to Armin, with the way she lapsed into distant silences and then broke them with forced enthusiasm. Armin had been happy to be a distraction. He wanted to help take care of her, which was certainly his biggest motive. But there was something else, something far more selfish, that he did his best to ignore whenever she was around. It was easy to do in the moment, when she leaned her head into his chest, when she gave him permission to pull her into his arms and hold her close. He would rest his chin on her head, run his fingers through her hair, and everything would feel right. And then she would pull away, and the guilt would come.

It never changed his mind. He could have felt like the worst friend in the world, but even then, he wouldn’t have given up holding her. If a distraction was all he’d ever be, Armin would do everything in his power to play the part, despite wanting more. So much more.

But things had begun to change. The smile had returned to Calemar’s face; not just a performative smile, but one that came naturally, one that required no effort. After weeks of hunching over from the weight on her shoulders, there was a confident angle to her posture again. When Armin asked her how she was feeling, the words “I’m fine” no longer sounded false. Calemar was almost herself again.

Yet she hadn’t stopped coming over. A wild hope had begun to form in the back of Armin’s mind. Maybe he was no longer a distraction. He had never quite gotten Castiel’s words on the roof out of his mind. “You were never just a friend to her.” He didn’t allow himself to believe in it fully, but he couldn’t stop himself from hoping.

Especially during days like these. It was Saturday, and even though Alexy and Rosalya had invited her out to the mall, Calemar had chosen to spend the afternoon with Armin, in his room, in his bed, playing round after round of Super Smash Brothers. Her winning streak had lasted for at least four matches. It wasn’t that Armin was holding back; he just kept getting distracted. She moved a lot when she played, even when lying down on her stomach. Her arm and leg were constantly brushing against him, tearing his mind away from the game and focusing it on her. He glanced in her direction every time it happened. And then he would get lost in the game-induced flush in her cheeks, the curve of her mouth, the determined fire in her eyes. His hands went through the motions of playing, but he was gone, and Calemar won again and again.

Eventually, after a pathetically quick defeat, Calemar set down her controller and looked over at him. “Are you letting me win?”

Armin’s eyebrows shot up. “I would never.”

“I don’t know,” she said. “That was an embarrassing loss, even for you.”

It’s not my fault you keep distracting me. It’s practically cheating. “So you’ve got jokes now,” he said instead. “You weren’t laughing when I destroyed you those first few matches.”

“‘Destroyed’ is a little generous.” She was giving him one of her looks, the ‘we both know I can destroy you anytime I want’ look. She did it to get on his nerves, but it only made something weird happen in his stomach.

He wracked his brain for some retort, but it was difficult to think when she was lying so close to him. Thankfully, her text tone went off before she could notice his speechlessness.

She rolled over onto her back and pulled her phone out of her pocket. Whatever text she’d gotten distracted her enough for Armin to get his urge to stare at her out of his system. He was examining the freckles dotting her shoulder when she let out a low groan.

“What’s up?” he said. His voice sounded absentminded, even to him. He snapped his attention to her face.

“Rosa has been trying to get me on some dating app,” she said, her face scrunched up like she had something sour in her mouth.

They were just words, but for Armin it felt like someone had grabbed him by the neck and squeezed. A dating app? It had barely even been a month! Had Rosalya lost her mind?

He had to grip his bed sheets to keep his voice even. “Did you tell her no?”

“Sort of?” Calemar sighed and turned to look at him. “She’s just trying to help. It’s a terrible idea, but I’d feel bad if I told her that.”

Armin tried to keep his face expressionless, but he couldn’t get the tension to leave his jaw. If Calemar was so willing to let Rosalya off easy, maybe she wasn’t as opposed to the idea as she thought. Armin could see it now: Rosa finding the perfect match for Calemar in a matter of days and sending her on some ridiculous date in a ridiculous dress and with some ridiculous guy. But it wouldn’t be ridiculous, not to Calemar. No, Armin couldn’t let that happen.

“So what are you going to do?” he murmured.

“Well, the plan was for Alexy to discourage her,” she said. “But apparently he did an awful job, because he just texted me that she’s already made a profile.”

He couldn’t mute his reaction this time. He sat up fast and shook his head. “You have to talk to her.”

Calemar rolled her eyes. “Talking to her isn’t going to do anything. You know how Rosa gets when she sets her mind on something.”

“So you’re just going to let her set you up with some random guy?” Panic had begun to blossom in his chest. He knew it was stupid. He knew he had no right to it. But there was nothing he could do to quiet the sense of dread.

Calemar seemed to notice that something was going on with him. She had a smirk on her face, and sat up so that she could get a closer look at him. “It could be a girl. Maybe Rosa’s going to change things up.”

“That’s not the point,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest, as though the gesture would protect him from her sudden nearness.

There was an infuriating amount of amusement in Calemar’s gaze. “What is the point, then?”

She thought the whole thing was a joke. Armin should have just teased her back. He should’ve laughed with her, and let Rosa’s plan play out on its own. He should have stopped hoping, should have accepted what he and Calemar were, what they would always be. But the ache in his chest wouldn’t let him.

“It’s only been a month. Are you even ready to start dating again?”

This was the wrong thing to say. Calemar frowned, the humor leaving her eyes in an instant. Armin hated himself for it.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his hand involuntarily reaching out to hers. Their fingers touched. He pulled away before he could make things worse.

Calemar shook her head, lowering her gaze to the space in between their hands. “Don’t be. I just… I don’t know how long it’s supposed to take to get over a relationship. I don’t know what ready feels like.”

Armin nodded. “I guess it’s hard to know.”

“Yeah,” Calemar said, biting down on her lip. “You know, I can understand Rosa’s logic on some level. Seeing someone else might be the only way to finally put everything behind me.” She let out a long sigh. “On the other hand, my friend Lucy used to use those dating apps all the time. I’m not liking my chances of getting paired with a potential ax murderer.”

If fate were kind, Armin thought, that possibility would keep Calemar from giving into Rosalya’s whims. “That definitely wouldn’t be ideal,” he said.

Calemar groaned. “I just wish there was a way to stall her! Something to get her off my back for at least a few weeks so I can sort my feelings out.”

It was then that the idea came to Armin. A truly terrible idea, one so problematic that it left him angry with himself for even thinking about it. And yet he couldn’t brush the thought away, not with Calemar sitting just a few inches away from him. She was so close, but as she picked up her phone to respond to Alexy, Armin could already feel her drifting away.

“Wait,” he said, the word burning his tongue a little as it left his mouth.

Calemar glanced up at him. “What?”

“Maybe there is a way to get Rosalya off your back,” he said. He tried to make his voice sound light, even though his heart was beating a mile a minute. “One that doesn’t expose you to the risk of being ax murdered.”

Calemar grinned. “I’m already liking the sound of it. Please continue.”

This was stupid. In fact, it was quite possibly the stupidest thing Armin had ever done, and he’d preordered the limited edition of No Man’s Sky. But if anyone was worth doing stupid things for, it was Calemar. Armin was at the point where he’d do anything to protect what little chance he had of being with her. Even this.

“What if you told Rosalya you were already interested in someone?” He swallowed hard. “Maybe even seeing them.”

Calemar’s brow furrowed. “Who, though?” She thought for a moment before literally jumping in her seat with an idea. “Oh! I know! I can tell her I have a long distance boyfriend. Some dude I met on Discord. Ooh, he can be from Brazil, and–”

Despite the growing tension in his body, Armin managed to casually put a hand on her shoulder. “Calemar.”

She absorbed the look on his face and deflated. “She wouldn’t buy that, would she?”

He shook his head. “No one would buy that.”

“Well, okay, Master of Deception,” she said, crossing her arms and staring him down. “Who am I pretending to date?”

Armin shrugged. “It would have to be someone you already spend a lot of time with, someone who’d be willing to play along. It wouldn’t be convincing otherwise.”

“Easier said than done,” Calemar said. “I’d like to think I have a decent amount of friends, but I highly doubt any of them would be up for fake dating.”

Armin straightened his shoulders. He was going to Hell for this. “I’d do it.”

Calemar blinked. Her mouth hung open for a moment, as though the suggestion had entirely halted her train of thought. Armin supposed that was better than a look of disgust or a bemused laugh.

“You?” she finally said, her gaze burning into him.

“Me,” he replied, hoping he sounded more confident and objective than he felt. “If you think about it, who else makes more sense?”

Calemar shook her head. “No one, I guess. But would you seriously be able to do it?”

“Do what, date you?” The words sent a thrill of excitement through his body. God, if this actually happened, if he could just make this happen…

“I mean, it’d have to be convincing,” she said. “Rosa won’t believe it if we’re not entirely invested in the act.”

“We’ve got everything on our side, though,” he said, feeling an eager smile spread across his face. “We’ve been hanging out almost every day, so it’s not a big leap to assume we’ve been seeing each other in secret. And if my fond memories of our Alice in Wonderland play are any indication, you’re a great actress. Add my undeniable charm to the mix, and Rosalya has to believe it.”

She rested her chin on her hand. “You have a point. About my incredible acting chops, at least. The undeniable charm thing was pushing it.”

Armin, elated at how well this was going, winked at her. “It’ll work. I know it will.”

“And if it does? How long do we keep it up?”

“As long as you want,” he said. “Though, if we’re being honest, you’re probably going to want to make this long term. I’m going to be an awesome fake boyfriend.”

Calemar snorted at this. Armin was too close to success to feel offended. “Seriously though,” she said. “You’re totally on board with this? Pretending to like me?”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s not like it’s going to be hard.”

She opened her mouth, but then closed it after fully absorbing Armin’s comment. Armin was just beginning to absorb the words himself, their implication bringing him down from whatever high had tricked him into saying them.

“What do you mean?” Calemar said, her voice so quiet Armin had to strain to hear it.

He wished he had an explanation, but sheer panic had consumed his sense of judgment. “I don’t know,” he said, surprised he could even force that out of his mouth.

She was looking at him now in a way she never had before. Her gaze was almost analytical, as though she were finally taking him and his words at face value. Calemar had made him feel a lot of things in the year he had known her, but she’d never made him feel vulnerable. He’d always had a joke to hide behind, or a game of deflection to play. But he couldn’t now. Not with how intensely she was looking at him.

“You have to know,” she said, her posture stiff. “We’re best friends. Is that why it’d be easy to pretend to like me? You could just present your platonic feelings as romantic?”

Armin wanted to respond, give some indication that her words were spot on. But he couldn’t even manage a nod.

“But that would make it harder, wouldn’t it?” she continued. “Pretending to like a friend is one thing, but to do it with your best friend… You’d have to be close to me all the time, hold my hand…”

“I can do that,” he said, his voice weak.

Calemar took in a slow breath. “What if that wasn’t enough? What if we needed to do more to convince Rosa?”

“I would do it,” he said.

Calemar stared at him; he was almost certain her pupils were dilated. “What if you had to kiss me? Would you?”

For a moment, Armin forgot how to breathe. Then a wild energy took him, something so strong and impulsive that he had no hope of fighting it. “Yes,” he said. “I’d make it good, too.”

Calemar’s eyes looked like they were about to burst from their sockets. “Armin!”

“What?”

“You can’t joke like that!” Her entire body had tensed, and her hands were gripping the bed sheets so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.

“Who says I’m joking?”

Things had gone too far for Armin to even think of turning back. He was in this now. He felt courage that he’d lacked all afternoon slowly begin to flood into his chest. For almost a year, he’d played off his affection for Calemar as a joke. He’d wanted more for so long, had suffered in silence with her none the wiser. And he had no one to blame but himself. But now she was so close to knowing. And once she knew… Anything could happen.

“Do you want me to be joking?” he murmured, looking at her with unabashed longing.

Calemar swallowed. “I don’t know.”

He leaned toward her, not close enough to touch, but enough to feel her breath begin to quicken. “Well, there’s one way to find out.”

She stared at him for a moment. It wasn’t a very encouraging stare, what with her face looking so pale and her mouth hanging open. He wondered if it was a sign to give up, but before he could ask her, she lurched forward and pressed her lips to his.

At first, all Armin felt was astonishment. He had to wait for his head to stop spinning, and then he could marvel at how soft Calemar’s lips were. He’d imagined this kiss at least a hundred times. Wild fantasies with big romantic gestures and heartfelt declarations. Storms and sunsets, stars and fireworks. In reality, kissing Calemar was a lot less dramatic. It was also a lot better.

His hands found her waist and his lips responded to hers. She let out a little sound of surprise against his mouth, and it was all Armin could do not to combust at the sound of it. He’d always loved the little noises Calemar would make when she was tired or irritated, like an NPC of a game that couldn’t afford fully voiced dialogue. But the noises she made when being kissed… He would love them for an entirely different reason. He wanted to hear more of them.

He pulled her closer, delighting in the shaky breath that escaped her. It left her mouth slightly open, and instinct would not let him ignore the opportunity. He traced her bottom lip with his tongue, and when her mouth parted in a gasp, he kissed her more fully, bringing his hand to the nape of her neck.

This lasted a glorious five seconds before Calemar pulled away. He was still holding her, but she had put enough distance between them for Armin to feel it in the pit of his stomach.

“This…” she began, her voice trembling. “This isn’t pretend, is it?”

He didn’t think of denying it for a second. He shook his head.

“I… Armin, I don’t know if I can do this.”

Her words hit him with the force of a semi-truck. “Was it that bad?” he said, releasing her.

She bit down on her lip. “No, it was…” She turned her head and stared hopelessly at the television, the long forgotten video game humming quietly in the background.

“Calemar, please talk to me.”

“I can’t! I don’t have the words to describe what that felt like.”

Armin let out a long breath. “I… I’ve wanted to tell you–”

“Don’t.”

Don’t? He’d kept his feelings to himself for so long, and now, after they had just exploded from him in one earth-shattering moment, she expected him to reign them back in?

She looked back to him, her gaze almost desperate. “I felt something. Something I didn’t know I felt for you. And it could mean a lot of different things. If you tell me what I think you want to tell me, then it’ll just make this all the more confusing for me.”

“Calemar.”

“You are my best friend, Armin. I don’t want to hurt you because I’m too emotionally fucked up to make sense of my feelings. I couldn’t live with myself if I–”

Her voice cut off, and in the same second she was up, reaching down to grab the bag she’d brought with her.

“No,” Armin said, jumping off the bed. “You can’t leave. Not after that.”

“I have to.” She threw her bag over her shoulder and made a bee-line for the door. “I promise we will talk about this later, but I can’t right now.”

Armin darted over to her, took her wrist in what was slowly becoming a half-hearted attempt to make her stay. “Calemar, please.”

She turned back to him. To his total bewilderment, she pressed a firm kiss to his lips. It stole every bit of comprehension he had, and he dazedly let go of her wrist. She took a step back. “I’m so sorry.”

She fled down the hall, leaving Armin standing in the middle of his doorway, wondering how everything could have changed in a matter of minutes. Wondering what Calemar felt for him, and why she was so scared of it. Wondering what sort of irreparable damage he had just done to their friendship, and if there was any hope of fixing it.

[sweetpolyamoris]

Confessions

A continuation of Apologies (Part One), Revelations (Part Two), Complications (Part Three), and Promises (Part 4).

~

Meet me on the roof. – C

That was all the note said. Calemar had almost missed it. The tiny slip of paper had been shoved into the back of her locker by her textbooks. But by some miracle, Alexy had asked for one of his CDs back, and she had to empty out her locker to find it. She’d grabbed the paper and almost crumpled it in her hand, but then she caught a glimpse of unfamiliar scrawl.

The roof. C. Ambiguous to anyone but her. She hated herself for the way her chest tightened. It had taken her over a month to stifle feelings like these, and Castiel had made them return in full force with just five words. A very large part of her wanted to tear the paper to shreds and stomp the entire way to the bus stop. Despite weeks of telling herself otherwise, the pain of their breakup was still as fresh as the day it had happened. She’d done her best to ignore it. She’d been civil with Castiel, had even fallen into a sort of awkward friendship with him. She had begun to hope that one day, seeing him wouldn’t feel like driving a knife into her heart.

But then she’d found this note. Inviting her to the roof when they had only just begun to feel comfortable chatting in the courtyard. Calemar crushed the paper in her hand and let it fall to the floor. Whatever this invitation meant, she knew that it had to be serious. She would go, if only to yell at him for making her feel like her heart was going to explode.

She walked upstairs on trembling legs, clinging to the railing until it ended. She stepped out onto the roof, praying that she’d gotten the note late, praying that he wouldn’t be there, praying that she wouldn’t have to face him in a place that had been so intimate for them.

Castiel was leaning against the ledge, cigarette dangling from his mouth and jacket laying forgotten on the floor. Calemar was stunned at how unsettled he seemed. His eyes had a faraway look, and one of his hands was raking through his hair. It stopped as soon as he caught sight of her.

Calemar took a shaky breath and went over to him. She could feel her knees getting weak, her body tensing, but she forced herself to stand tall, as if in defiance. She stopped a few feet in front of him. “What’s up?” she said, her voice surprisingly calm. Hopefully she could continue to act as though this meeting didn’t faze her.

Castiel’s brow furrowed. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“You can talk to me downstairs.”

He took the cigarette out of his mouth, let it fall to the ground, and crushed it under his foot. “I wanted it to be here.”

Calemar crossed her arms. “Why?”

“You know why.”

“I don’t!” She fixed her best glare on him. “All I know is that I got this note, and I came. If all you’re planning on doing is dancing around whatever you have to say to me, I’ll just go home.”

Castiel frowned. She could practically feel his discomfort coming off him in waves. It made no sense. He was the one who had invited her here! Calemar had endured six weeks of heartache and Band-Aid solutions; Castiel had no right to be the one afraid to talk.

She turned to leave, but Castiel grabbed her wrist before she could complete the motion. His touch sent a shock through her, stealing the air from her lungs in an instant. She gasped, and then yanked her hand away from him.

Castiel tried to look unperturbed, but she could tell from the tightness in his jaw that her reaction had hurt him. Good.

“Calemar.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “You’re making this difficult.”

“I’m making this difficult?” she shouted. “I’m not the one who wanted to come up here! This place may not mean anything to you anymore, but it still means something to me.”

He stiffened. “It means something to me.”

Calemar felt her stomach wrench. She closed her hands into fists, hoping it would stop them from trembling. “Why are we here, Castiel?”

His gaze left her, trailing off toward the view of the city. His hand had returned to his hair, and his body was taut with nervous energy. If Castiel could look flustered, he looked it now.

“I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an idiot,” he said. “Or without pissing you off.”

She glared at him. “You are an idiot, and I’m already pissed off. Just say it.”

He turned back to her. His expression was pained, as though what he wanted to say was physically hurting him. Calemar held her breath.

“I love you,” he said.

The words struck her as though she’d been slapped across the face. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open. Surely she’d misheard him. She’d become delirious, because Castiel could not have just told her that he loved her.

“I thought that if we took a break, it would stop. I wasn’t ready for it, I didn’t want it, and I just… I thought if I got some distance, I could clear my head and realize that I didn’t need you as much as I thought I did.”

Calemar’s head was spinning. Her closed fists were shaking so violently she thought she would accidentally hit him. He was standing close enough.

“But I just made it worse,” he said. His gaze was almost feverish. “Pulling myself away from you just made me want you more. I thought I could push through it. I thought if I waited long enough, I could get you out of my head. But I couldn’t. I missed you. Every goddamn day.”

“Don’t,” she said weakly, taking a step back. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

“I do mean them!” He stepped forward, taking her hand and keeping her from bolting toward the door. “It scares the shit out of me, but I love you.”

A chill ran down her spine. Calemar allowed her rage to distract her from it. “It took you six weeks to figure that out. Do you know how awful those weeks were for me? Every day, I had to see you, knowing that you didn’t care about me the way I cared about you.”

“But I did,” he said, his grip on her hand growing firmer.

“You didn’t want to,” she snapped. “I wanted to love you. Every minute I did was the happiest I’d ever been. Knowing that you hated it doesn’t make me feel better. It makes everything worse!”

Castiel looked as though he were grinding his teeth. Calemar wanted to pull her hand away, but she was too shaky to manage it.

He finally spoke, his voice barely above a whisper. “The last time I loved someone, they stabbed me in the back.”

“I would never do what Deborah did to you,” she said, her tone so fierce that Castiel flinched.

“Fear isn’t rational.”

“Maybe not. But trust is. I thought even if you didn’t love me, I would at least have that.” Tears were beginning to well in her eyes, but she blinked them away.

Castiel was breathing heavily. “I don’t trust people. Lysander was always the only exception. But then you showed up, and you changed everything. I wasn’t ready for that, Calemar.”

A bitter laugh escaped her lips. “But you are now?”

He replied without hesitation. “Yes.”

Calemar blinked at him. “And what if I’m not?”

“Then I’ll wait until you are,” he said.

She shook her head. “How am I supposed to believe anything you say? How am I supposed to trust you?”

“You don’t have to. Not yet. I know it’s going to take some time for me to earn your trust back.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible, Castiel.”

He grimaced. Calemar wished the look could have made her feel a sense of satisfaction or retribution, but it just made her stomach twist.

He released her hand. “Tell me you hate me,” he said. “Tell me, and I’ll walk away.”

Calemar bit down hard on her lip. She’d said the words to herself countless times in the past month, with anger and hurt and desperation. But standing here now, with Castiel finally bearing his heart to her, Calemar knew she had never meant them.

“Tell me that you could never love me again.” Castiel leaned closer, as though his proximity would force the words out of her. “I’ll leave you alone. Just tell me.”

She couldn’t blink the tears away anymore. She felt one betray her and run down her cheek. “I can’t,” she said.

Castiel sucked in a sharp breath. Calemar could feel the air against her face when he released it. He was too close; her head was swimming. She wanted to hate him. She wanted it so desperately that it made her chest ache. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t.

“Calemar.” His hands found her waist. He pulled her to him, making her stumble into his arms. Her breath was leaving her in ragged gasps. She shouldn’t be doing this. She needed to pull away from him. She needed to tell him to stop, before he kissed her and made it impossible for her to turn back.

She opened her mouth, but she was too late. He pressed his lips to hers.

He tasted like smoke, but she didn’t care. Her entire body leaned into him, her hands knotting themselves in his shirt and her mouth responding to his kiss in fervor. He held her firmly against him, his hold on her waist so tight she thought she might break. When he parted her lips with his tongue, the last bit of reason left her. She needed this. She needed him.

He pushed her back to the door. Calemar gave no opposition. The impact almost hurt, but she hardly noticed. One of Castiel’s hands had tangled into her hair, and it was gripping her in that pleasure-pain way that made her breathless. She moaned helplessly against his lips, and this only encouraged him further. His mouth left hers, trailing kisses down to her neck. She clutched at his shirt as he kissed and nipped at her skin. Whatever sense of control she’d tried to maintain was gone now.

“I love you,” he murmured into her neck, a sharp bite following the words.

An incoherent whimper left her mouth, but she had no time to be embarrassed by it. He brought his kisses back to her lips. They were deep and full of pent up frustration, and Calemar’s responses were just as desperate. She had missed the way he teased her lip with his teeth, the way he growled when she dug her nails into his back, the way he made fire course through her veins. She had missed him so terribly, but now she had him again. Now–

The door moved, pressing against her back and making her jump. She fell forward with Castiel, and the door swung open.

Armin stood in the threshold. Castiel still clung to her, but Calemar released him as soon as she realized what Armin was seeing.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said, his tone clearly telling them he was anything but sorry.

“Armin.” Calemar pulled herself away from Castiel.

“Don’t worry about it.” Armin backed into the hall and shut the door behind him.

Calemar wanted to run after him, but her feet were stuck to the ground. She stared at the door, a weight building on her shoulders until she bowed under it. She stumbled over to the wall and leaned against it for support. Castiel followed her, his hand reaching toward her face.

“Don’t,” she said, moving away from his touch.

Castiel’s hand fell to his side. “If you want me to apologize for kissing you, I won’t.”

She groaned. “We hurt him. Don’t you feel bad? At least a little?”

“He didn’t seem to feel bad holding your hand in the halls with me watching,” he snapped.

The rage his kissing had erased began to return to her. “You broke up with me. He had nothing to feel bad about.”

“He knew I still cared about you.”

“Well, you know that he cares about me too.” She crossed her arms over her chest, as if to protect herself from his closeness. “Armin didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Neither did we.” His mouth pulled into a frown. “Unless you were… seeing him.”

She chewed on her lip. “I don’t know.”

“How do you not know whether or not you’re seeing someone?”

“You know what?” Calemar pushed herself off the wall and moved past him. “I really don’t need this from you right now.”

“Calemar–”

She turned to glare at him. “You’ve made everything so complicated!”

“Things have always been complicated!” Castiel exclaimed. “But I never loved you any less for it.”

Her stomach twisted. “Castiel, I can’t do this right now.”

For a moment, he looked as though he were going to object. But he only gave her a stiff nod. “Then come to me when you can.”

Calemar gave him one last lingering look, and then went to find Armin.

[sweetpolyamoris]

Castiel x Calemar or Calemar x Armin please do 24 and 26! TYY

Since I just did 24 for Calemar and Cas, here’s 26 for Calemar and Armin!

One borrowing stealing the other’s clothes glasses.

“I’m bored.”

Calemar glanced up from her science textbook. Armin wassprawled across her bed and staring up at the ceiling, his book lying flat onhis chest. Of course he was bored. A study session with Armin usually didn’tlast longer than fifteen minutes before it dissolved into gaming or… otherthings.

She was still getting used to the fact that they weredating. She didn’t consider it a bad thing. In fact, she’d felt overwhelmingrelief when little had changed between her and Armin. They’d be deep in thethralls of Mario Kart, and they’d curse and accuse each other of cheating, andeverything would feel so normal, andthen he’d pause the game to kiss her. Each time left her feeling stunned andbreathless, and then she’d remember. She never got tired of those wonderfulmoments of: Oh yeah.

When he turned his head to look at her, it was one of thosemoments. He was looking at her in that wayof his. She absently wondered if he’d always looked at her like this, and she’djust been oblivious, or if it was only now that he’d begun to allow himself toreally drink her in.

She squirmed a little and looked back down at her book. “Wejust got started.”

“It’s been at least twenty minutes,” Armin protested. “Wedeserve a break.”

“You’re joking. You’ve barely looked at your notes!” shesnapped. She lifted her gaze back to him. “Do you even take notes?”

“Yes,” he said, though it sounded too dismissive to beentirely honest. He sat up and ran his fingers through his tousled hair, whichonly seemed to make it messier. “Come on, Calemar. You deserve a break.”

“So maybe I’ll take a nap while you study,” she said, amusedby the scowl she received.

“You’re smart, and I’m an excellent bull-shitter. We’regoing to be fine.” He took the textbook out of her hands and dropped it on the floor.

Calemar sighed and took her glasses off. “Why did you agreeto come over if you were going to refuse to study?”

Armin leaned over and plucked her glasses right outof her hands. “Because coming over meant being with you.” He put on herglasses, blinking a few times before erupting in a grin. “Wow, you’re blind.”

She pointedly ignored that comment. “You can be with meand study at the same time.”

“Or I can be with you and do other things,” he said.

She felt her stomach twinge. “I’m a very dedicatedstudent,” she said. “It will be impossible to pull me from my responsibilities.”

Armin grinned. “Are you sure? Because I bet I look supersexy in your glasses.”

Calemar burst into laughter, which did nothing to discouragehim. He leaned over to her, squeezing her side and making her laugh harder. “Areyou laughing at me, Lewis?”

“You’re tickling me!” she shouted, brushing his hand away. “Ofcourse I’m laughing!” She took the momentary pause in his attack to take herglasses back. She set them down carefully on her nightstand, and then turned tohim.

“Break?” he said, staring at her mouth for a moment beforebringing his eyes to hers.

“Fine,”she said, grabbing him by his scarf and pulling him to her.

[sweetpolyamoris]

18 CandyxArmin please~ thanks :)

Armin had fallen asleep. Calemar didn’t know why she’dexpected any different. After they’d found a table in the library, he’dwarned her that he’d pulled an all-nighter and wouldn’t be much help withstudying. To his credit, he tried to go through her notes with her and retainsome information. But he’d yawned through his words and rested his head in hishands. And now that head was resting on the table, eyes closed and lips slightlyparted.

Calemar was surprised that he was such a cute sleeper. She’dthought he would be the type to snore or drool. Maybe the drool would comelater. Well, she’d better act before it got to that point. She leaned down andpressed her lips to his nose.

Armin blinked at this. “Did you just kiss my nose?” he murmured,eyes barely open.

She smiled at him. His half-asleep state was even cuter. “Maybe.”

He blinked a few times. “That’s fucking adorable.” And withthat, he fell back to sleep.

[sweetpolyamoris]

Armin/Candy 8. First Kiss :3c

Armin had imagined this moment at least a hundred times.Wild fantasies with big romantic gestures and heartfelt declarations. Storms andsunsets, stars and fireworks. In reality, kissing Calemar was a lot lessdramatic. It was also a lot better.

At first he was scared. It had been awhile since he’d kissedsomeone, and being out of practice wasn’t going to do him any favors, especiallywith a partner who’d dated Castiel for six months. He was sure he’d seem a hotmess in comparison.

But Calemar put her arms over his shoulders and pulled himcloser, and all thought of Castiel left Armin’s mind. His body seemed to go onauto-pilot. His hands found her waist and his mouth worked against hers. He’dalways loved the little noises Calemar would make when she was tired orirritated, but the noises she made when she was being kissed… He would beperfectly fine if they were the only things he ever heard again. Soft, shakybreaths. Quiet moans. Deep sighs. Some of them left her mouth slightly open,and instinct would not let him ignore the opportunity. He traced her bottom lipwith his tongue, and when her mouth parted in a gasp, he kissed her more fully,bringing his hand to the nape of her neck.

They stayed like that for a long while, exploring each otherin ways they had been too scared to before. Armin still had a lot to learnabout her, but he was more than willing to practice until he understood herperfectly.  

[sweetpolyamoris]

Revelations

Part Two to Apologies, Complications (Part Three), Promises (Part Four), and Confessions (Part Five).

~

Armin was cleverer than people gave him credit for. They never seemed interested in looking past the surface, satisfied with the airheaded persona they projected onto him. Armin tried not to hold it against them, considering he regularly played into it. After all, it was easier to occupy himself with games and simple humor than prove to his classmates that he wasn’t an idiot. A lot of them measured intelligence with letter grades. Armin, on the other hand, wasn’t one to apply his cleverness to his classwork. No, he enjoyed puzzles. They presented themselves to him in plenty of ways: video games, events at school, even the people there. Figuring them out was the kind of challenge he enjoyed, the kind he was willing to put effort into. Normally, these puzzles didn’t give him much trouble.

But then he’d met Calemar. She was the first puzzle to give him pause, to stump him at every turn. They’d been friends for a while now. Yet every time he thought he’d made sense of her, she would do or say something to bring him back to the drawing board. Never before had he met someone who could be so easy-going and yet so passionate at the same time. She was funny and serious. Sweet, but vicious when she had to be. She was a little bundle of contradictions, unpredictable and provocative. Maybe that was why he liked her so much.

Things had only gotten more confusing now that she and Castiel had broken up. Armin had been struggling with the inner turmoil for a few days. On one hand, he felt terrible. On the outside, Calemar was handling it well. But Armin had gotten close enough to her to know that she was heartbroken over it. Her smiles had begun to look forced; her eyes had lost their usual brightness. It hurt to see her so downtrodden.

The other part of him, the part that he did his best to ignore, felt hopeful. He didn’t expect her to miraculously fall for him right after a horrible break-up, of course. But that Friday night, when she had slept over at his house… She had held his hand. It was small, and it probably meant nothing. But Armin couldn’t stop himself from playing that moment over and over in his head. The little gasp that left Calemar’s mouth when his hand brushed against hers. Calemar tangling their fingers together only a few seconds later.

She’d gone up to Alexy’s room after the movie. Alexy had asked Armin to help him clean the mess, but Armin had taken on the job by himself. It was entirely out of character for him (Alexy had made a point of telling him so), but Armin hadn’t wanted to leave Calemar upstairs on her own, and he’d needed some space to sort through his warring emotions.

He came to school on Monday just as uncertain as he’d been on Friday, and Calemar hadn’t really helped. She’d ignored him for a good chunk of the morning, but when lunch rolled around she’d pulled him into an empty classroom and held him tightly for a solid three minutes. Those three minutes had managed to feel like a bewildering mixture of hell and heaven, leaving Armin feeling even more distraught.

He wanted to do something. Talk to someone. It didn’t take him long to decide on who. After all, he’d told Calemar he had a few choice words for Castiel. He’d only seen the guy in one of his classes (which wasn’t entirely unusual, considering how often he skipped them). Armin was surprised at how difficult it was to find him, though. He’d wandered the courtyard in between every class, searched the gym and locker room, and even checked the basement. It wasn’t until he’d pressed Nathaniel hard enough for information that he’d stealthily made his way to the roof. Castiel was there, sitting on the edge, legs dangling, like he had a death wish.

Armin made sure to approach him loudly. All he needed was to startle the guy. “Castiel.”

Castiel didn’t turn to face him. Armin couldn’t see his face, but he could see the smoke drifting up over his head. He stood and waited, hoping he wouldn’t have to go sit on the ledge. Finally, Castiel spoke. “What?”

Armin wasn’t very sure of what to say. Castiel was another puzzle he was still working on. He made more sense than Calemar did, but it was very easy to set him off. That was the last thing Armin wanted right now. “I’ve been looking for you.”

Castiel was quiet for a moment. Then he turned himself around, bringing his legs back onto the roof. For some reason, the position looked more dangerous to Armin. Maybe because Castiel’s back was facing the open air. All he needed to do was lean back too far.

“You found me,” Castiel said, his face expressionless and his cigarette dangling from his mouth.

All right, Armin, keep it casual. “What are you doing up here?”

Castiel’s eyes narrowed. “Smoking.”

“Did you have to come all the way up here for that?”

“No.” Castiel took the cigarette out of his mouth and let out a long breath. “I wanted to.”

Armin nodded. “Right.”

Castiel raised an eyebrow at him. “As amusing as this awkward small talk is, I’d like to be alone. So if you could get to the point…”

Be straightforward. Armin made a mental note to do this in the future and took a hesitant step toward Castiel. “I wanted to talk about Calemar.”

Castiel’s face went blank again. “What about her?”

Great. This conversation was going to be like pulling teeth. “I just… I wanted to know what happened.”

“She didn’t tell you?” Castiel sounded more annoyed than surprised. He clearly wasn’t eager to have this conversation.

Armin shook his head. “She hasn’t been in the best state,” he said, doing his best not to make it sound like an accusation.

It didn’t work. Castiel crossed his arms, giving Armin a withering look. “And it’s been just peachy for me, huh?”

“You were the one who broke it off,” Armin said. “At least that’s what Calemar told me.”

“Doesn’t mean I had fun doing it.” Castiel stood up from the ledge, dropping his cigarette and crushing it under his foot.

None of this was making sense to Armin. He hadn’t been in many relationships before, but he was still experienced enough to know that when someone wanted to leave one, they were usually happy when they did. Castiel didn’t seem happy. He didn’t even seem indifferent, though he was clearly trying to pretend otherwise.

“Why’d you break up with her, then?” he asked.

Castiel frowned. “Listen, I know you and her are… friends, or whatever.”

“It’s not just about her,” Armin interjected. “I know you have Lysander to talk to about it, but you have other friends, too.”

Castiel let out a dark chuckle. “Like you?”

It was sarcastic, but Armin nodded anyway.

Castiel must not have expected the earnestness from him. He was quiet for a long while, as though he was considering his next words carefully. “Things got too serious. I wasn’t ready for it. I needed time alone to figure things out. It’s as simple as that.”

Armin couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the explanation. “Too serious? What does that even mean?”

Castiel shrugged. “We were getting into the L-word territory.”

Armin’s chest tightened. He swallowed the jealousy that was rising in his throat. “You’re… you’re sure?”

“I’m pretty sure, Armin,” Castiel snapped. “When you start getting intimate with a girl, that’s what tends to come next.”

If Armin’s chest had felt tight before, it now felt as though someone was squeezing him so tightly his lungs would burst. He took an involuntary step backward, his eyes wide and his fists clenched. “Intimate?”

Castiel looked hard at him. “We’d been dating for months, Armin. People tend to get around to more than just kissing at that point. ”

Armin hoped he didn’t look as sick as he felt. It was bad enough knowing how crazy Calemar was for the guy, but having to think about them doing things made his stomach twist. “She… she never talked to me about it.”

“Of course she didn’t.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Armin demanded, his closed hands trembling slightly. “What, I’m not important enough for her to tell me?”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “You’re a real idiot sometimes, you know that?”

Armin opened his mouth, prepared to shout whatever sharp comeback he could think of, but Castiel continued.

“She likes you,” he said. “Telling one of her girlfriends about it is entirely different than telling you about it.”

Armin blinked. “What?”

“You were never just a friend to her. Surely even someone as dense as you could have figured that out by now.”

Armin was in too much shock to be insulted. He tugged at his scarf; it felt like it was suffocating him. “She… she was dating you.”

Castiel shrugged. “And? She’s a human being, Armin. She’s not going to suddenly lose interest in everyone else because she’s dating me.” He looked down at his feet. “I was here first. That’s it.”

Armin swallowed. “You… You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be? You guys didn’t sneak around behind my back, right?”

“No, of course not!” Armin took his scarf off and wrung it in his hands. “She was with you. She liked you. She still does.”

Castiel let out a long breath. “Well, she can do better.”

“Castiel.”

“I can’t be what she needs right now,” he said, his voice strained. “I don’t know if I ever can be. So we need a break.”

Armin had never heard Castiel speak so openly. It was startling, seeing him so vulnerable. “A break.”

Castiel nodded. “An indefinite one.”

Armin wished he could offer some reassurance, but reassurance wasn’t his strong suit. He didn’t think Castiel would appreciate it, anyway. Honesty; he’d appreciate that. “I don’t really know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Castiel dug in his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. “Look, now that she’s technically available–”

“You guys just broke up,” Armin said. “I know I haven’t been subtle about my feelings for her, but I’m not that much of an asshole.”

Castiel smirked at this. It was close enough to a smile that Armin felt a sense of accomplishment. “I really don’t care what happens between you two,” he said. “I’d just prefer not to see it, all right?”

Denial clearly wouldn’t satisfy him. Armin nodded. “Sure.”

“Good.” Castiel took out a cigarette. He glanced up at Armin as he fished for his lighter. “Do you want one?”

Armin shook his head.

“Then you can go.” Castiel went back to the ledge, sitting down so carelessly that Armin almost reached for him.

It was clearly a dismissal, but Armin didn’t feel like he’d gained much closure from the conversation. He stood there for a moment, racking his brain for something he’d missed, something he’d forgotten to say. But Castiel had taken out his cell and headphones. He was gone.

Armin took the long way home. His thoughts raced as he walked. He wasn’t sure he understood how someone could like a person while they were with someone else. He definitely didn’t understand how that other person could know and be okay with it. This was a new puzzle, one that confused him and yet felt like a revelation. If Castiel’s judgment could be trusted, Armin’s feelings for Calemar weren’t one sided. There was hope for them. Now more than ever.

He wasn’t happy with what it had taken to get to this point. But it wasn’t all bad. It couldn’t be. And maybe one day soon, Calemar would come to see that.

[sweetpolyamoris]

number 3 with armin and calemar bc I think this is gonna be kinda funny...

Haha, I will try to deliver! Here’s a Fantasy.

“So, how many more times do I need to kick your ass beforeyou admit I’m better than you?”

Armin shot Calemar the dirtiest look he could manage. Theywere sitting on his bed, taking a break after a particularly brutal match ofSuper Smash Brothers. Calemar was glowing with the pride of victory. Armin wasbeyond frustrated, but in spite of himself, he found the look attractive.

“You didn’t win all of them,” he said, putting down hiscontroller and running his fingers through his hair.

Calemar rolled her eyes. “I won most of them.”

He reached over and pinched her cheek. “Do you want acookie?”

She swatted his hand away. “No. But I think I deserve aprize.”

“A prize?” He raised an eyebrow.

She nodded. She had a mischievous look in her eyes.

Armin wasn’t sure whether this was a good thing or a badthing. “What do you want? Is it money? Games? Sexual favors?”

Calemar immediately punched him in the shoulder. He criedout in exaggerated pain, but her responding laugh was short. Things didn’t feelso lighthearted between them anymore, and it made Armin’s chest feel tight.

“Okay, okay.” He put on his Serious Face, which was mostlyjust a furrowed brow and narrowed eyes.  “Whatdo you want?”

She chewed on her lip for a moment, as if giving it a lot ofconsideration. “You won’t laugh?”

He smiled at her. “Of course not.”

She sighed and threw herself backward into the bed. Arminfelt a twinge in his stomach. Sitting in his bed was one thing, but laying in it was a whole other ballgame. His thoughts were runningaway with him, and he was sure he would be disappointed with whatever she wouldsay next. But then…

“A kiss.”

His heart stopped. “A… a what?”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “A kiss.”

Armin opened his mouth, but whatever he’d planned to say inresponse died in his throat. She wanted him to kiss her. Calemar. Wanted him. To kiss her.

He had kissed girls before, and he tried to tell himself it wasno different as he leaned over her. But he’d never liked anyone as much as her,had never felt so completely helpless about it, and now that he was so close tohaving her, he felt as though he was going to pass out. He pinched himself hardon the leg, closed his eyes, and pressed his lips to hers.

“Armin.”

He placed kiss after kiss on her mouth, wrapped his armsaround her and held her to him.

“Armin! Are you seriously making out with your pillow rightnow?”

His eyes shot open. Alexy was standing in the doorway,staring at him with a look that bounced between uncomfortable and delighted.

Armin glanced down at the pillow in his arms and felt bloodrush to his face. Great. Just great.

“Please tell me you took it out to dinner first,” Alexysaid, pulling his phone out and snapping a picture of him before Armin could dropthe pillow and sit up.

“Delete that right now!” he shouted, standing up from thebed and glaring as his brother backed slowly into the hallway.

“No way; I’m sending it to Calemar,” Alexy replied, adevilish grin spreading across his face. “‘Thinking of you, XOXO.’”

“Alexy!”

Alexy darted downstairs, and Armin chased after him.

[sweetpolyamoris]

5 for Calemar/Kim/Armin

I love you

Calemar and Armin had been playing Pokémon Stadium forapproximately two hours. Kim had watched them from Calemar’s bed with mildinterest. Calemar had tried to give her a turn, but Kim had politely refused. Sheseemed to enjoy watching video games more than playing them. Although, thismight have had more to do with Armin and Calemar’s competitive streaks and loudcursing than the games themselves.

They had just finished a heated battle, which Calemar hadwon (breaking their tie along with Armin’s ego). Calemar turned around to receivethe exaggerated flattery Kim always teased her with. But Kim was sprawled out onthe bed with her eyes closed, her hat laying forgotten at her side.  

“How?” Armin said, his eyes wide with incredulity.

“My gloating combined with your crying is the furthest thingfrom a lullaby,” Calemar murmured, looking at Kim with an amused smile on herface.

Armin pinched her side, bringing her attention back to him. “Howdare you compare your obnoxious bragging with my gentle, beautiful tears?”

Calemar snickered. “Beautiful? I think you still have somedrool on your mouth.”

“Drool, huh?” Armin leaned over to her, pressing a firm kissto her lips.

Calemar made a little noise in the back of her throat. “Gross,”she managed to murmur, but she didn’t fool him. He gave her one more kiss, andthen glanced up at Kim. “Should we wake her up?”

Calemar shrugged. “Honestly, I think the only thing to do inthis situation is nap with her.”

“I’m not opposed to the idea,” Armin said with a littlegrin.

Kim rolled over at this, blinking slowly. “Just don’t tryand get fresh with me.” She smirked, glanced at Calemar with a look that seemedto say Well, maybe you can, and thenshut her eyes again.

“Don’t worry,” Armin said, climbing onto the left side ofthe bed and putting his hands behind his head. “Calemar’s the meat of thissandwich.”

“Definitely beats being the bread,” Calemar said, settlingherself into the space between him and Kim. They rested comfortably againsther. There was a very warm feeling in Calemar’s chest.

“Rude,” Armin murmured, closing his eyes. “I’ll have youknow, bread is what makes the sandwich. Kim and I could easily find a peanutbutter and jelly substitute.”

“One, we definitely couldn’t,” Kim said, kissing Calemar’scheek in reassurance. “Two, leave me out of your strange sandwich metaphor.”

Armin grumbled something that sounded like “not strange,”but Calemar was already beginning to fall into a contented sleep.